Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Friendly World of Infomercials

Has this happened to you? You can’t sleep so you get up, fix a snack and plop yourself in front of the television. Chances are the muffled volume isn’t a concern because, before you know it, you’re entranced by images of slick never-before seen products that tell a tale as they flash before you and call your name.

The bright studio lighting is blinding in the darkened room you’re huddled in, but you can’t turn away. A snazzy looking host has drawn you in with delectable tidbits of information that amaze you. Seeing air sucked out of a plastic bag is something you now want to try for yourself. Your mind begins to scan for possible uses so you can justify purchasing a set of these special bags.

Miraculously, whatever problem the host describes pertains to you. You wonder just how he knows you are getting a double chin, have unwanted facial hair, and have trouble dicing carrots. You wonder how you’ve ever gone to parties without first squeezing into a fat-hiding body suit or how you’ve washed your car with an inferior chamois. You become guilt-ridden picturing your arteries clogged because you didn’t cook your burgers on a Perfect Patty Grill.

For some reason, though it’s late at night and time is ticking away, you can’t seem to change the channel or go back to bed. As prices are slashed before your eyes your blood pressure feels like it’s rising. You begin a debate over whether to run and get a credit card or not.

In no time, you know the friendly host and models on a first name basis and begin to worry that they will soon disappear, taking their products with them. As inventory totals drop before your eyes, you panic. You’re left with two options: either buy the darn thing, or go back to bed!

Soon enough, your new friends leave and you’re left in the dark room alone. But you’re not discouraged because you’ve decided it was destiny. You were in the right place at the right time, and soon enough a shipment will arrive at your door that will change your life, all for three easy payments.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Gullible Gender

Men or women - which gender is more disposed to being gullible, to being duped, hoaxed, fooled, misled, and lied to? Let’s take a look at the facts.

From a very young age we are told that little boys are made of “slugs and snails and puppy dog’s tails,” whilst girls are made of “sugar and spice and all things nice.” Professor Von Brainsneezing of Dumbkopf University backs this up. “After examining the evidence, I have come to the conclusion that these findings are correct and accurate.” Abby Sciuto, well-known NCIS fictional forensic expert agrees absolutely with these findings. “You’d never get Special Agent Gibbs to be gullible!” she declares. A frown then crosses her face, “Unless you use a red-headed female. Then he’d be mince.” She disappears in tears.

As we grow up, our gullibility factor remains steady through the tooth fairy years up to the very last letter to Santa Clause. Then something very interesting happens. The boys begin asking Santa for joysticks, and the girls start asking for boobs.

This shows that, whilst there has been a revolution of understanding within the mind of the little girl as she sits on Santa’s lap and notices his delight at her blossoming form, little has evolved in the boy’s brain, except a growing awareness of his need for a joystick. This shows us that the girl is looking to her assets, while the boy is still trying to find his. This behaviour has a tendency to develop and, taken to extremes, has become known as the “Anna Nicole Smith” Syndrome – ANSS for short. If you have ANSS in your pants, you know it’s serious.

As both genders mature in age and experience, the women may have their moments, but it is the men who show definite signs of gaining the lead, streaking ahead in the gullibility stakes, outpacing their female companions in their bid to win, and finally ending in a climatic flourish of gullibility.

Many women may be gullible in believing that they can reach the blissful state of “happily ever after” regardless of their boob size. But countless more men are prey to a much stronger fantasy, aided and abetted by women with a multitude of motives. Men believe it happens time and time again, all over the world, and every time they believe it happens, a little gnome is kicked in the privates by a fairy, accompanied by the sound of ringing balls.

What is it? What is the finish line men cross that makes them triumphant holders of the Trophy for Gullibility?

It is their willingness to believe that they have the biggest, best, most perfectly shaped joystick in the world, and it is a belief that has instigated wars and joint accounts in equal numbers. And, as long as she holds the joystick in question, women will always have the edge over men when it comes to gullibility - and how to exploit it!

The Gullible Idiot - Blogged