Buy This And Retire Last Week!

Oh, my God! Apparently, if you search online how to make a quick dollar, you will find people who have found ways to make money by scratching their armpits. You know, those get-rich-or-die-trying guides about how one week someone is living in a van-down-by-the-river, and the next he outbids Rich Uncle Pennybags for Gekko's penthouse. Who knew we were just in a recession? If you wish you knew how to become the internet's most prodigious salesman, you are not alone.

People actually believe these people. They have to, or else the marketers would not have their portraits taken in their new Bentleys, fitted with luxurious aardvark fur. Affiliate marketers must be the smartest people on the planet. They make a product, which they create while watching Jersey Shore; next, they slap together a copy page made with their friend, who just proudly earned a prestigious Associate's degree in graphic design; and then they might even produce a cinematography piece that even makes the worst videography teacher think "how could someone produce such a monstrosity?"

In case you did not know, the world hates Americans. True, half of the actual affiliate-marketing cadre are not American, but they feast on Americans who proudly live the American Dream: It's my money, and I want it now! Where else could you con so many highly intelligent, highly motivated logic monsters on how to spend their well-earned cash? What? Turn $47 into $10,000 by next week? Sign me up! You need to ask yourself if affiliate marketers deserve the Anheuser-Busch-Most-Useful-Product Award.

The only question that should be asked about our get-rich affiliate marketers: are they great Americans or the greatest Americans? These philanthropists have given away their secrets of how to afford a fleet of Ferraris this afternoon for the motivated, I-still-live-at-home, recent graduate. There may be a sucker born every minute, but these consumer's advocates will prevent you from becoming the next statistic!




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There's an American Born Every Minute

P.T. Barnum was right when he said that you can fool all of the people some of the time and you can fool some of the people all of the time. What he forgot to mention is that, to succeed in American politics, all you really need to do is fool most of the people who actually vote most of the time. How hard is that? Not hard at all.

Politicians in this country have been serving up the Big Lie since, well, since they figured out they could. A quick look at recent history provides ample proof of that. Weapons of Mass Destruction Casserole, anyone? It comes with a side of Mission Accomplished Loaf. Be sure to save room for dessert, scrumptious I Never Had Sex With That Woman Pie! Yum!

In their defense, politicians are fighting to survive in a world where the loudest, dumbest, most outrageous statements are the ones that get all the attention. When was the last time anyone in this country listened to the voice of reason? Americans wouldn’t recognize the voice of reason if it knocked over their mailboxes with a baseball bat and fired fifty caliber armor piercing rounds through their front doors. And remember, people truly want to be lied to. That’s just the grease that keeps the machine turning.

Yes, people fool themselves because it suits them to do so. Folks on Medicare want to hear that the rich should pay higher taxes. The rich want to hear that entitlements like Medicare are sinking the economy. Left wingers want to be told that conservatives are gun toting, hairy knuckled Neanderthals. Right wingers want to hear that it’s okay to grab liberals by their long hair, drag them back to their elitist caves and put a bullet in their puny communist brains. And every American desperately wants to be told that America is the greatest country ever! Politicians are perfectly happy to play to this crowd.

So here’s to the big Fibbers-in-Chief and all the little fibbers-in-waiting who keep the rest of us entertained without making us think too hard. Old P.T. Barnum himself would be proud. After all, there’s an American born every minute.

"It's Me! It's Me!" - The Simple Little Scam That's Scouring Japan

In the corner of many ATM kiosks in Japan, you'll find a small sign with a comic on it. The comic will show a frightened-looking person - often an older person, a grandmother in an apron - holding a phone. The voice on the other end says, "Ore da, ore da! Taihen da!" "It's me, it's me! Oh, god, something awful's happened!"

This is the Ore-Ore Scam, a classic phone grift used heavily on older individuals who don't hear from their families often. It goes like this: the victim receives a call from someone sounding distraught, perhaps hoarse, crying out, "It's me! It's me!" The victim makes a guess - "Is this Takeshi?" "Yes!" says the scammer. "There's been an accident! I need money! Please, you have to help me!"

On the strength of this story, the victim makes up his or her own details. "Was it a motorcycle accident? I told you you shouldn't go riding that thing at night! I warned you, Takeshi!" "Yes, I know, I'm so sorry! Please hurry, grandmother!"

The victim then hurries to the ATM with their cellular phone and initiates a bank transfer. Japan, a cash-based society, doesn't use checks or credit heavily - most large money transfers take place via a system called "furikomi," which simply involves entering the name of a bank and an account number into the ATM. Because the sender needs provide only an account number, not a name, they never realize that the person they're sending the money to is not "Takeshi." Most people don't memorize their wayward motorcyclist grandchild's bank account number.

The scam depends on two things: one, the victim's inability to recognize a loved one's voice over the phone; and two, their willingness to invent their own story of what happened for the scammer to use. The Ore-Ore Scam works most commonly on older people with nothing to do. While it's common to think of scam victims as people who let greed get the better of them, the Ore-Ore Scam shows a different kind of psychology - it feeds the need for importance, not the need for cash. Given the unusual chance to save the day, victims jump without thinking.