Saturday, April 30, 2011

Buy This And Retire Last Week!

Oh, my God! Apparently, if you search online how to make a quick dollar, you will find people who have found ways to make money by scratching their armpits. You know, those get-rich-or-die-trying guides about how one week someone is living in a van-down-by-the-river, and the next he outbids Rich Uncle Pennybags for Gekko's penthouse. Who knew we were just in a recession? If you wish you knew how to become the internet's most prodigious salesman, you are not alone.

People actually believe these people. They have to, or else the marketers would not have their portraits taken in their new Bentleys, fitted with luxurious aardvark fur. Affiliate marketers must be the smartest people on the planet. They make a product, which they create while watching Jersey Shore; next, they slap together a copy page made with their friend, who just proudly earned a prestigious Associate's degree in graphic design; and then they might even produce a cinematography piece that even makes the worst videography teacher think "how could someone produce such a monstrosity?"

In case you did not know, the world hates Americans. True, half of the actual affiliate-marketing cadre are not American, but they feast on Americans who proudly live the American Dream: It's my money, and I want it now! Where else could you con so many highly intelligent, highly motivated logic monsters on how to spend their well-earned cash? What? Turn $47 into $10,000 by next week? Sign me up! You need to ask yourself if affiliate marketers deserve the Anheuser-Busch-Most-Useful-Product Award.

The only question that should be asked about our get-rich affiliate marketers: are they great Americans or the greatest Americans? These philanthropists have given away their secrets of how to afford a fleet of Ferraris this afternoon for the motivated, I-still-live-at-home, recent graduate. There may be a sucker born every minute, but these consumer's advocates will prevent you from becoming the next statistic!

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