Saturday, April 30, 2011

Kids Are Easy Marks

Every parent knows that kids are easy marks. That’s the best reason to have them around.

If parents are going to spend zillions of dollars feeding, sheltering and educating their children, they should at least get some enjoyment out of the deal. And the best way to do that is to take advantage of the adorable little people before they turn into surly, text-messaging ipod slaves who ignore their parents and look to Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and ten thousand close personal Facebook friends for life wisdom and fashion advice.

Get them while they’re young.

But not too young. Children who lack language skills are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to believing the shinola their parents are shoveling. That’s why it makes sense for parents to teach their kids to communicate: he who controls the information is pretty much in charge of everything. No wonder Moammar Gadhafi hates Twitter.

Yes, read to the little sponges. Talk to them. It will be time well spent.

Then, once the tiny tykes pick up the mother tongue, the opportunities to take advantage of their gullibility are endless. Just be sure to start with the basics. Build the critical foundation for all the scams to come by asserting parental infallibility: the parents are always right. Always.

Plant this seed and the door to junior’s brain will open wide to whatever Mommy and Daddy choose to cram in.

Feed them Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. They’ll swallow it all, hook, line and sinker. And don’t hesitate to use this mind-control superpower for good. Shock and awe the rug rats into blind obedience by telling them Mommy has eyes in the back of her head and Daddy has magic laser nostrils.

And, when guilt threatens to spoil the fun, go ahead and balance the scales by throwing in a few important life lessons like “drugs are bad” and “do unto others”. Couldn’t hurt.

So don’t wait. Get in on the action as parents all over the world baffle their children with propaganda. Of course, the fun stops when the kids finally get wise to the con and decide that grown-ups don’t have a clue. But don’t fret. Nature has a way of setting things right.

There’s a grandkid born every minute.

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